we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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