Just cropdusted the office
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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