I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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