Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
