i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
