guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
