I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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