Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
