I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
