Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
