Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
