Girls should come with a carfax report
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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