I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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