The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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