you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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