omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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