Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
