Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
