Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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