its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
