A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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