I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
