I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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