I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Panties = found
Randomize
