I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
