Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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