I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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