apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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