She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
