Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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