I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
