i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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