Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
