A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
