I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
