I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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