I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
