Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
