apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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