watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
