I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
