Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
