I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
