She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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