hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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