did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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