oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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