just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you told grandpa to call you daddy
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
