How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
