You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
