I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
