tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
