I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
